Many years ago, I was introduced to the concept of "love languages", based on Gary Chapman's book. I have found the identifying of others' predispositions to be often helpful. But Justin Taylor, in reviewing ideas from David Powlison, over at the First Things blog, has hit the nail on the head in regards to just how self-centered we can all become. Taylor quotes in part:
Powlison summarizes Chapman’s “full working philosophy” as follows:
“I’ll find out where you itch, and I’ll scratch your back, so you feel better. Along the way, I’ll let you know my itches in a non-demanding manner. You’ll feel good about me because your itches are being scratched, so eventually you’ll probably scratch my back, too.”
But therein lies the problem: Chapman takes an “is” and turns it into an “ought”:
Unwittingly [Chapman] exalts the observation that “even tax collectors, gentiles, and sinners love those who love them” (Matt. 5:46f; Luke 6:32ff) into his guiding principle for human relationships. This is the dynamo that makes his entire model go. This is the instinct that he appeals to in his readers. If I scratch your back, you’ll tend to scratch mine. If you’re happy to see me, I’ll tend to be happy to see you, too. So, 5LL teaches you how to become aware of what others want, and then tells you to give that to them. This is the principle behind How to Win Friends and Influence People and The 30-second Manager. It’s the dynamic at work in hundreds of other books on “relational skills,” or “attending skills,” or “salesmanship,” or “how to find the love you want.” Identify the felt need and meet it, and, odds are, your relationships will go pretty well.
I find these thoughts very provocative this morning. What exactly is my motivation in sharing my "felt needs" with my husband? Am I seeking his good, or my own gratification? Hmmm...
Couple this (no pun intended)with the excellent series on the "Myths of Marriage" by Glen Knecht being run (in parts) at the blog of First Pres, Jackson, MS, and I have lots to think about today. May God keep me from my default desire to please myself, and give me the grace to love my husband, and others, well.
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