There are many strange things about walking on this cancer road I find myself on. First, of course, is just the lack of control, seemingly suddenly, over any details in your life. Your schedule is suddenly rearranged, shuffled, and constantly in flux. Having done this with Dave and then with my mom, it doesn't seem quite as shocking as it was in the past, but it is still disconcerting. It comes with normal routine and normal interactions halted, and I find myself missing the normal, missing my students, missing my friends.
Then there is just the weird idea that you actually have cancer. I felt fine until they started exploring my cancer, of course. There was no lump, no physical symptoms, nothing. But now I am poked, prodded, on special diets for tests, drinking horrible substances, and starting to feel downright sick.
And then there are just the surreal moments. Last week as I was laying in an MRI machine, face down, with my arms over my head for 45 minutes, I had on head phones with music to help blur out the odd clicks, whirs and pounding of the MRI machine. I had told the technician that classical music would be great, and so she started a CD of Mozart music running. The first thing on the CD was the opening movement of the 40th symphony. Now, every music major has, at some time, had to memorize these themes. In college, we used to put words to every theme to help us remember them. So I found myself singing in my head, "It's a bird, it's a plane, no, it's Mozart..." as lovely, balanced and beautiful music came to my ears, with the clicking and pounding behind it and the weird feeling of being inside an MRI machine. For a minute I felt like I was in one of those sci-fi or horror films where something unnatural is happening but the music is calm and beautiful.
These are the times when being a Calvinist pays off. I know a God who is so much bigger than the circumstances around me that I can laugh at them (as I almost did in the MRI machine, though I was not supposed to move...) And I can hold on to the knowledge that, even if these things are not what I would choose, they are no surprise to God, and they are planned from the foundations of the earth to bring about my good and His glory. Those promises become not just platitudes at such times, but things of hope and substance. but sometimes I need to battle to hold on to them. I am not trying to paint the picture that I am not fearful at times, or dreading surgery. I am. But I run to Christ in such moments. And He is good to meet me where I am and love me through it.
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.
What then shall we say to these things?If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised— who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? 36As it is written,
"For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:18-39
At last, I have completed Paradise Lost by John Milton. I have been listening to the audio recording of it (which I received as a free download from christianaudio.com), and finished this morning as I hiked along the rim trail overlooking White Rock Canyon and the Rio Grande. The sun was hot, the breeze was cool, and everything was fresh from yesterday's rain. What a beautiful morning!
